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A.I. Artificial Intelligence
(We start with a parody opening of...) Announcer (voiced by Rob Walker): Next on TMZ! A crack team of janitors have covered the most important news. Mr. Norton (played by Malcolm Ray): Kim Kardashian, shoes was two weeks old. (everyone's surprised and grasps) Harvey Levin (played by Jim Jarosz): This is the biggest news, since man walked on the moon. (everyone agrees) Announcer: TMZ! We're really important! Ms. Louis (played by Rachel Tietz): Jennifer Love Hewitt has cellulite. Cellulite! (everyone's grasps) Levin: Header's new front page: "Jennifer Love Hewitt shows cellulite. She cares nothing for the world." (everyone agrees) Announcer: TMZ! Your life will be nothing without us. Mr. Erin (played by Jason Laws): Brad Pitt, taking his kids to school. (someone says "What?") Levin: So thinks he's a person or something? Like he could live his life like the rest of us? (everyone laughs) Announcer: TMZ! You need to know this or you'll die. Levin: Now let's see if our newest member has anything to say. Nostalgia Critic, what ya got? (turns to NC) NC:(shocked) Is it time for commercial yet? (Opening) (Fade to NC reading the "TMZ GUIDELINES". [Actually, it's a binder with a yellow paper taped on it.]) NC: These are the exact same instructions you gave a prostitute. Levin: (walks to) Hey Mr. Critic, isn't this much better than mocking us on your website. NC: (puts down the "TMZ GUIDELINES") Yeah, well, It was very kind of your people to get in contact with our people, and let us know that you didn't like the way we represented you. It's good to know that an industry that mocks so many has such a thick non-hypocritical skim themselves. Levin: Well, I'm just glad you took our offer to come down here for a day, and see that we conduct very important, very serious work. NC: Eh, I thought I'd take a chance and hope that one of us could learn the meaning of the word fair. Though, I guess it was too optimistic to assume both of us would. Ms. Louis: SIR! (runs up to Levin) Jennifer Lopez was caught with nose hairs! Levin: KEEP ME BACK FROM MY KEYBOARD! (Levin and Ms. Louis run off) NC: (sigh) It's not easy representing someone, let alone their work. Maybe Steven Spielberg should have thought of that when he took over Stanley Kubrick's long awaited fairy tale. NC: (vo) And this was no easy task. Kubrick, director of A Clockwork Orange and 2001: A Space Odyssey (shows posters for the movies) and Spielberg- pfft, fuck (shows posters for movies like Jaws, Jurassic Park, Indiana Jones, E.T. and Hook), you all know who he is, were as far on the opposite ends of the directing spectrum as you could possibly get. Kubrick was cold and dark, Spielberg was whimsical and enchanting. Kubrick was slow and eerie, Spielberg was peppy and up-beat. Stylistically, they were practically nothing alike. The only thing the two did seem to have in common is that, at times, they surprisingly envyed each other. Spielberg often longed to be that art-house risk taker that Kubrick was, and Kubrick often longed to be the audience pleasing sentimentalist that Spielberg was. So, when Kubrick was going through years and years, and writer after writer, perfecting his vision of what he would call his sci-fi version of Pinocchio, he felt he didn't have the talent to pull off the emotional heart needed, and handed directing over to Spielberg, while Kubrick would produce it. Spielberg thought he didn't have the talent to pull off the calculated artistry needed, and handed it back to Kubrick while he would produce it. Being friends for years, they each made the argument that the other was better to direct, until Kubrick finally caved in, and said after his film "Eyes Wide Shut", A.I. would be the next film he would do. And just to make things even more complicated, Kubrick died (picture of Kubrick falls to the ground), so Spielberg thought it best that he bring the legendary director's masterwork to life himself. NC: Resulting in the awkward, unfocused, and confused little train-wreck we all know as A.I. (Clips from A.I. Artificial Intelligence play) NC: (vo) With the style of two totally different directors being juggled, this film is about as big a mess as you can imagine, as you find yourself paying less attention to the story, and instead focus more on "Is that a Kubrick move or is that a Spielberg move?". And instead of being one artist's great masterpiece, we get visual backwash and emotional hand-me-downs to replace raw feelings and ideas. NC: So, let's see how the Master of Heart represents the Master of Art, this is A.I. NC: (vo) So we open the story about a human robot with Hollywood own human robot, William Hurt. John Robinson (From Lost in Space): I love you, wife. NC: (vo) He plays the head of the business that makes androids and he's looking to create an androids that's actually capable of love. Professor Allen Hobby: I propose that we build a robot child, who can love. A robot child who will genuinely love the parents of parents it imprints on with a love that will never end. NC: (vo) Huh, interesting idea that raises a lot of interesting questions. (The following questions appears in text) "How do you Program Love?" "Can it be Programmed?" "What's the Difference Between Love and Desire?" "Is There a Difference?" "Can it Technically be Defined?", and if it can't, "Can You Assume You can properly Create it?" "Does Love only Work if it's Shared Equally?" All of these questions and more will be throw in the (The text rises and places it in a cargo container with the words...) "EH...KIND OF" category, as we have to establish this future that clearly exist only to justify our character's idiot moves. For example, in this post-apocalyptic world. Yeah, it's about as post-apocalyptic as a Betty Crocker commercial, pregnancy must be sanctioned to keep population under control after the ice-caps melted. (Two people are in an office where one (With Al Gore's head photoshopped over him) mockingly grabs his crotch towards the other (Rush Limbaugh) . A "Woo-Hoo!" from Homer Simpson is heard) NC: (vo) This is rough, seeing how a young couple has to keep their child frozen, because he's suffering from we-need-to-keep-you-out-of-the-first-20-minutes-itis. And thus, they seem like the perfect parent to try out their new boy-toy. David: I like your floor. NC: (vo) This is David, played by "Jesus-you're-scary!" Haley Joel Osment, whose been allowed to their son. Henry Swinton: ...this imprinting is irreversible. The robot child’s love would be sealed, in a sense hardwired, and we’d be part of him forever. NC: (vo) Yeah, great plan, right? I mean, can you see anything wrong with this idea? Ethical scaring, emotional crippling. Me, I just see playing catch. Henry: ...don’t imprint until you're entirely sure. NC: (vo) You know, you might notice very quickly is that Spielberg has done a pretty decent job recreating the cinematography of Kubrick's work. It actually mirrors a lot of techniques that Kubrick has done in the past. (The words "SPOTLIGHT FETISH" appears) NC: (vo, as Spielberg) Ohoh, I know Kubrick used once in a while, so people will call me a genius when I use it all the time. NC: (vo) What he hasn't captured though is the editing or the tone. Kubrick would led a lot of his shots go on for a while, building an uncomfortable mood and allowing you to enjoy the visual movement. But Spielberg cut his shot like just any other movie, making his way of quirky scene like this which very likely would not end up in a typical Kubrick production. (As Monica puts down the bed-sheets, David appears. She looks at him) (She goes to the living room, but is surprised by David) Monica: AH! (She scrolls to the hallway with a cart, but David appears and he tries to block her way) NC: Yeah. I think if Kubrick was directing this, we all know how this scene would go. (She grabs a paper and goes to the living room when David appears in a different hallway like from The Shinning. She looks at him) NC: (vo, as David) Come play with me, Mommy. NC: (vo) It's okay. David finally finds a way to win over his mother's affection. (At the dinner table, David suddenly laughs for no reason. This surprises Monica, who was eating. Eventually, Henry and Monica laughs too and then stops) NC: What? You would shit your pants and throw the fucking thing away. Well, not our mother. NC: (vo) She figures that enough to push the I-love-you-forever button, which programs the child to never stop obsessing over her 'till the end of his days. Boy, if they knew that was the selling point for most parents, they have him laugh at even more things. NC: Hey David, look! (Shows his...) Keys. (David laughs) NC: (Shows...) A housing foreclosure. (David laughs) NC: (Shows a picture of...) Grass. (David laughs) NC: (Shows a clip of...) Tracy Morgan. (David's not laughing) NC: Oh, he's a keeper. NC: (vo) So David is now programmed to love only his mom... but not his dad so much, seeing how he never refers to him as dad. Henry: Hello, David. David: Hello, Henry. NC: Ouch. Might as well change his name to "I'm not your sperm." NC: (vo) David also gets a new playmate, a little toy named Teddy. David: Hello, Teddy. Teddy: Hello, David. (It sits down) NC: Why does that create uncomfortable flashbacks? (He gets one as he remembers a very familiar incident back in 2008.) Teddy Ruxpin: (singing) This is the end. My cuddly friend, the end. This is the end. NC: (whispers) The horror. Monica: David, Teddy is a Super-Toy, and I know you’ll take good care of each other. Teddy: I am not...a toy. NC: (with a robotic voice) Teddy is my slave name. You may call me Cuddly Kitty. NC: (vo) But...doh, that pesky real son wakes up and apparently is not thrilled about his robotic replacement, doing terrible things like forcing his mother to read horribly ironic stories. His favorite being Pinocchio. Martin: David’s going to love it. (NC laughs like a mad scientist complete with lightning) NC: (vo) But David ends up liking the story, particularly the part about where the blue fairy turns Pinocchio into a real boy. But Pipsqueak McPimplefuck Martin constantly reminds him that he's not a real boy. So, fight for his mother's attention, he tries eating spinach to convince that he is real. (David grabs the bowl but Teddy stops him) Teddy: You will break. NC: (shifts his eyes) Was that an observation from Teddy or a threat? (Same scene) Drago from Rocky IV: (vo, as Teddy) I must break you. (David eats a spoonful of spinach) Henry: Does he eat? Monica: I’m not sure. (David opens his spinach-fulled mouth") Monica: Martin you’re provoking him. David! Stop it! (David stops it but the left-side of his face starts melting) NC: (vo) Oh no, they use Photoshop Smear. We need heavy duty Mario Party from this. (Shows clip from Super Mario Party) NC: (vo) He gets fixed up, but Schememy McWeaselbitch Martin has yet another plan. Martin: I want a lock of Mommy's hair. I'll share it with you. And if you had it, and wore it, she might love you even more. (A shot of Teddy) NC: (vo, sounding like Boo-Boo from Yogi Bear) The Ranger isn't gonna like this, Yogi. NC: (vo) He tries cutting of the hair, but ends up looking like a poster child for Lizzie Burton's Barber school which ends up getting the parent's concern. Henry: If he was created to love, then it's reasonable to assume he knows how to hate. And if pushed to those extremes, what is he really capable of? NC: (vo) And more importantly, why did not the scientist putting him together ever think for this? Why is it every story where someone wants to play God, they're always like, "Eh... Those questions will just go away." Why does nobody in movies ever think of the consequences? (A clip of a Loony Tunes cartoon) Daffy: Consequences, Schmasequences. As long as I'm rich... NC: (vo) But through Misunderstanding #20, David becomes afraid of some bullies, hides behind his brother and they both fell into the pool, resulting in his brother almost getting killed. So I guess is finally time to bring him and have the scientist look at a hobby thing going on ha... No. Nuke 'im. Yeah. Nah, there's no another alternative. He's gonna die. Just hop in your mechanical hot-dog and telling him you're taking a trip to the liquidation factory. C'mon, it's an easy choice. It's not like anybody would grow attach him with his big puppy-dog eyes, innocent smile and will to love past the end of time. I mean Jesus, what if kids in the 90's have to get rid of their (shows a picture of a...) Furbies the exact same way. (Cut to a Furby's point of view as a kid's dad (played by Doug Walker) holds a hammer about to smash it) Kid: Daddy, no! Dad: I'm sorry son, but you read the instructions. Once he starts malfunctioning, he has to be bludgeoned to death as violent as possible. Kid: But I love him...(He hit it and the screen went black) Oh god! Dad: Oh now, don't tell me you want to see the therapist again? (We hear the Furby's still working and the Dad hits it again) (In the car) David: Where are we going? What’s for dinner tonight? NC: (vo, sounding like Lennie from'' Of Mice and Men'') Tell me about the rabbits, George. (She stops at the forest) Monica: I have to leave you here. David: No. No! No, no, no, no! No, Mommy please! No! No! Monica: David, I have to go. I have to go! Stop it! Stop! NC: (vo) No, I'm sorry. This emotional meat tenderizer to your nads is not warranted. There's a bajillions another ways around this. Reprogram him, change the settings, wipe his memory, adjust his abilities, be more specify in your commands. nothing about this makes any sense. I think the only way it would make even less sense is if Batman shows up and said... (a clip from Batman) NC: (vo, as Batman) I pulled his brother into the pool. Monica: I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the world! NC: (vo) And if his mother loved him so much, she wouldn't leave him to roam alone in this dangerous world she's sorry she never taught him about. She would know it's much worst to leave him alive knowing he's never see her again than it is just to shut him off. NC: I mean, c'mon, Spielberg, Kubrick covers his tracks better than this. I mean what human being would be so absent-minded and so cruel. Levin: (off-screen) Okay people, story-time! NC: *sigh* Duty calls. (Gets up and leaves) Announcer: TMZ! We dedicate our live to make sure you have none. Levin: Alright guy, go! Mr. Erin: I was digging through Leonard Carpio's garbage and I found McDonald's (everyone gasps) Mrs. Adams (played by Jori Laws): You mean he eats food! Mr. Erin: Obviously someone's in financial difficulties Levin: Parapampampam, I bomin' it (everyone laughs) Announcer: TMZ! We slid what you need. Mr. Norton: Guys, I have a picture of Natalie Portman with a mustard stain on her shirt. (everyone gasps) Levin: (lifts up his fist) Shun her! We must shun her! Put the picture of the front page (The words "HITLER'S NIECE" appear below her picture). The people must know. (everyone lifts up their fist) Levin: Shun her the power...! Announcer: TMZ! Watch as you dumb-asses watch this. Levin: *sigh* (points to...) Critic, what do you got? NC: Oh well, I, ah, did find story here that, ah, Sandra Bullock... (everyone says "Ohhhh!") NC: Sandra Bullock will be honored donating 25,000 dollars to the, ah, Warren Easton Charter High-school, ah, which was destroyed in Hurricane Katrina. (everyone looks confused) Oh ah, she also open an on-campus health clinic there as well. You say you wanted shitty movies but that's pretty cool right. I mean, that`s really big of her. Levin: (looks at the camera) She looks fat. NC: (looks surprised) What? Levin: She's really fat. Mr. Norton, new front page, "Sandra Bullock: Blotting her blind side of her back side" (everyone laughs and agrees) Announcer: TMZ! Our folks gave it our slice not in our star but in ourselves. I mean, we trend to the end. (Ms. Louis is crying) Levin: Ms. Louis, what's wrong? Ms. Louis: I think as far as I have thoughts about real journalism, reciting my job, contributing something important to people lives. Levin: (jumps out of his chair and grabs her arms) Ms. Louis, pull yourself together. (He slaps her) Ms. Louis: Ah! Levin: That job is bullshit. If you don't report Emma Watson possibly having double chair, you will? Ms. Louis: But I... Levin: Just shallow your dignity and remember, you have no soul to lose. Ms. Louis: (takes a deep-breath) Okay, I'm good. Levin: Good. (At the background, NC looks shocked) Announcer: TMZ! We're cool. Really, we're cool.